On the Air, Can't Talk

This story is a sequel to Brent and Stacy in the Morning, and also to East Side, Night Ride.

For the fourth morning in a row, Stacy's soprano voice leads in after the news and weather: "It's 6:11 in the morning here on 610 KWJ. I'm Stacy in the morning, in the six o'clock hour we're going to be discussing President Obama's remarks on the stimulus package..."

A muffled baritone interrupts: "Mmmmmmmmmh, hmmmm mmmmm hhmmmmmmmmmmm..."

Stacy: "Oh yeah. That's Brent. He's on the air here with me, but he can't talk. Brent cannot speak a word. That's because I've got my hand fastened firmly right over Mr. Ego's mouth, I'm holding Brent's mouth and I'm not letting him talk. I'm Stacy in the morning now, and Brent can't get a word in edgewise anymore..."

"Mmmmmmmmmmhh!! Mmmmmh, mmmmmmmmhhh, MMMMMHHHH!!"

Then the sound of feminine laughter: "What do you have to say for yourself now, Mr. Big Mouth? For those of you who've been out of the loop, this started in the last segment of the show on Monday, and I've been holding Brent's mouth all day Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday, and here we are on a Friday morning and I still won't let him talk. By the way, email to the Schultz Men's Clothing inbox is running 14 to 1 in favor of me keeping my hand over Brent's mouth! We're going to have a phone-in game for our listeners after the traffic report here on 610 KWJ... Johnny?"

And the traffic report, warning of a delay on the East Side freeway, and then Stacy is back: "All righty, here's the game. We've got a sentence on a sheet of paper, Brent will try to read it with my hand clamped over his mouth, if you can call in at 555-0610 and correctly identify what Brent is trying to say, we've got a pair of Steamers basketball tickets for you. Brent, you try to read it, I bet you can't."

"Mmmmm mmmmm'ghhmmm hmmmm mmmm hhmmmm mmm mmmmmm wwmmmmm hmm gh'mmmm hmmm mm mmmm'hmmmmmmm."

"And we've got a caller on line one. Jaclyn, can you tell us what Brent is trying to say?"

"Oh, Stacy, I love how you're keeping Brent in line! I'd guess he was saying, 'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again'?"

Bzzzzzzt! The sound of a buzzer. Stacy: "Nope, not even close! Thanks for trying, Jaclyn! On line two, Dennis?"

"Oh, that's a hard one, you must be holding your hand over Brent's mouth good and tight, Stacy--"

"I am. I've got strong hands, you know!"

"Ohhhhhh... Four score and seven years ago our forefathers brought forth on this continent--"

Bzzzzzzztt! "No, that's not it either. Dennis, thanks for playing! Brent, how about you try reading that again, see if any of our listeners can understand a single word you're saying..."

"Mmmmm mmmmm'ghhmmm hmmmm mmmm hhmmmm mmm mmmmmm wwmmmmm hmm gh'mmmm hmmm mm mmmm'hmmmmmmm."

Feminine laughter. "You know, if I didn't have it right in front of me on this paper, I'd have no idea myself. Brent, Brent, speak to me! Speak to me!!!" More laughter. "Oh that's right, Brent can't talk, I've got my hand over his mouth! And we've got a caller on the line, Andrea, welcome!"

"Stacy, hi, how ya doing?"

"Fine, and you?"

"I'm doing wonderful, I think this is just great how you're keeping your hand over Brent's mouth, I think you're performing a public service!"

Laughter. "And what do you think Brent was trying to say?"

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream?"

Bzzzzzttt! "No, thanks for trying, Andrea! Brent, what is it with you? You're mumbling so! Can't you speak up? Nobody so far is even close. And you notice, people aren't even guessing close to one another? That means I'm holding Brent's mouth so well that he is completely unintelligible, I mean completely unintelligible. Brent can't speak an understandable word no matter how he tries, I've got him completely shut up with my hand over his mouth."

"Mmmmmmmhh, hmmmmm'mmmmmm!"

"No, Brent, just you shush! I'm not letting you speak a word. More on Brent and my hand over his mouth after this word from our sponsors..."

Somebody something-or-other Chevy, all 2009 models on sale now at employee discount prices. Chevy. Low APR. Something-or-other. And then Stacy is back: "It's 6:18 here on 610 KWJ, I'm Stacy in the morning, and I've been holding my hand over Brent's mouth to keep him shut up on the air--"

"Mmmmmmmmmhhhh, mmmm mmm hhhmmmmm..."

"You see? Brent is trying to talk, but with the palm of my hand squeezed good and tight over his mouth... well, you can hear it for yourself!"

"MMMMMMMMMMHHHH!"

"And we've got Christina on line two, with a real life hand over mouth account. Christina, hi!"

"Stacy, hi there! You guys are great, though I think it's a real improvement with Brent that you're holding his mouth!"

"Mmmmmmmmmhh..."

Both women laugh. Christina continues, "I just wanted to say, this situation with you holding Brent's mouth reminds me of when I was in school at Roosevelt Elementary, up on the north side..."

"When you were in school?"

"Yeah, and I remember one boy in our class would never shut up, so finally our teacher, she made him come up to her desk and sit beside her--"

"Oh oh!"

"Yeah, 'Oh oh!' is right, she made him come up and sit by her at her desk, and she kept her hand clamped over his mouth while she went on teaching the class. He couldn't talk anymore, she kept her hand fastened tightly over his mouth while she taught, for I bet it was more than half an hour--"

"Oh, really? For more than half an hour?!"

"Yeah, the teacher just kept holding her hand over the boy's mouth all that time, to shut him up and keep him unable to speak. And he had to sit there like that, with his mouth held, right up in front of the class."

"Ohhhhhhh... If a teacher did that today, they'd hit her with a lawsuit!"

"Well, this was in the 80's, more than 20 years ago. People didn't look at it the same in those days. Our teacher held his mouth like that, for half an hour or more, several times when he wouldn't shut up..."

"I guess there's a lot more mouth holding going on than people realize. If you could float over the city and see through the rooftops... Christina, thanks for your call."

"Mmmmmmmmhhhh! Hhhhmmmm mmmm mmmmmmh, mmmmmm hhhmmmmmmmm!"

"Brent, what would you think of that? If I were your school teacher, and I was keeping my hand over your mouth right now as I'm doing, to shut you up and keep you from speaking anymore, because you were talking too much in class?"

"Mmmmmmmhh! Mmmmh, hhmmmmh! Mmmmh, HHHMMMMMHH!"

Laughter. "Or maybe I could tape your mouth shut! I remember a couple of teachers who did that to kids when I was in school... Nowadays that would be a lawsuit! But... speaking of way back when, we have Katy on line one with another true tale of mouth holding back in the good old days. Katy, thanks for calling!"

"Stacy, hi, first time caller--"

"Well, glad to have you with us on the line! Now, Katy, your true tale of mouth holding..."

"Uhhhh, well, this was back in the late 70's, when I was young and wicked. (Laughter) And some of us were cruising around the city in a car in the middle of the night. And this dude in the passenger seat up front, he was singing along with the radio, I remember we had the car radio tuned to KWJ, it was Jerry Havlek, that show he used to have overnight--"

"Nightrider!"

"Yeah, Nightrider--"

"Yes, that was how Jerry got his start here at KWJ, way back when I was in diapers..."

"Well, anyhow, this guy up front was singing really off key, so I reached up from the back seat and I clamped my hands tight over his mouth!"

"Oh, you were holding his mouth from the back seat?"

"Yeah, and I was just holding his mouth and holding his mouth as we were riding around the city in the middle of the night..."

Stacy: "Brent, what do you say to that?"

"Mmmmmmmhhh! Hhhmmmmmh mmm hhhhmmmmm!!"

Katy: "Oh (laughter) that's exactly how that fellow sounded in the car! And there were a couple of other gals in the back seat, and we all took turns reaching up and holding his mouth, and we kept it up for hours, we wouldn't let go of his mouth, we kept on holding his mouth for the rest of the night cruising around the city..."

"Oh wow... With Jerry Havlek on Nightrider on the car radio... That is a blast from the past! And that poor fellow, you gals just kept holding your hands over his mouth, cruising around in the dark..."

"Oh, we were awful, naughty girls, holding his mouth on and on! Eddie, if you're listening out there, I'm thinking of you!"

"Just... wow... Katy, thanks for the call! You know, Brent, I didn't realize how much company you've got, I mean, all the people out there who get their mouth held just like I'm doing to you..."

"Mmmmmmhhh, mmmm hhmmmmmm..."

"Were you trying to say something just now? No, I honestly didn't realize... I mean, last week at the mall I saw a mom hold her hand over a sassy kid's mouth, you see that once in a while. But all these people out there who get their mouth held... in school, in a car cruising around in the night.. I just never imagined..."

"Mmmmmmmmmmm..."

"No, Brent, I'm not taking my hand off your mouth! We'll be back after this commercial, and then after news and weather at the bottom of the hour... I think President Obama and the stimulus package can wait, in our next half hour segment I want to explore further... this... epidemic of mouth holding, if you have a hand over mouth incident to share please call in at 555-0610, here on 610 KWJ..."

And on with more talk about hand over mouth, and on with Stacy keeping her hand over Brent's mouth all the time, until the end of the show at 9:00 AM.

And then after the show Brent and Stacy are sitting around in a small cramped conference room, with their writer Phil. Brent is nursing a cup of coffee, trying to ignore Stacy who's making a joke about "So how does it feel to be able to talk again?"

Phil: "Well, this schtick is making my job easy, I only have to write for one of you, and that's all hand over mouth stuff..."

A young woman sticks her head in the door: "Excuse me, the station manager has something he'd like to discuss with you--"

Brent: "We don't meet with the program manager till Monday..."

"No, this is the station manager..."

Brent chokes on his coffee. "Jerry Havlek? 'The man who is KWJ'??! Since when do we... did I shit on the carpet or something?"

"No, it's fine. Mr. Havlek will be right in."

Brent is making frantic silent gestures at Stacy, like WTF?!!

And station manager Jerry Havlek -- 'the man who is KWJ' -- steps into the room, all 300 pounds of him. "Brent, Stacy, Phil, I just wanted to say you guys are doing great, keep it up! You know you're shattering all records on ratings for your show..."

Brent: "Well, it would be nice if I was able to speak again..."

Jerry Havlek: "Brent, listen, this hand over mouth gig is a phenomenon! You guys have got a tiger by the tail! I've been in this business for over 35 years, and let me tell you, only a couple of times have I seen a phenomenon take on a life of its own like your hand over mouth routine! I mean, ratings are through the roof!! So I just wanted to stop by and make sure that come Monday morning, Stacy will have her hand over Brent's mouth again on the air."

Stacy, laughing: "Oh sure! Anything to keep Brent shut up!"

Brent, staring down into his coffee cup: "How long is this going to go on?"

Jerry Havlek: "Oh, these fads run their course. But I'm just saying, you've got to make the most of them while they last."

Brent: "And what if it doesn't die down?"

And Jerry Havlek, the man with the golden voice, 'the man who is KWJ,' responds, "Well then, Brent, you'd better get used to going mmmmmmmh mmmmm mmmmmmmhhh on the air!"